I feel today we shall be chatting partly in the 3rd person.  As some of you are aware, the mistress (I use the lingo diffidently) of the blog occasionally counsels counsel (legal counsel).  She breaks no confidence and deems it appropriate to share and indeed sort permission from her now much amused charge.

A grueling time was had some months ago trying bind the mental wounds and scars of a client whose husband had acquired a need to indulge in a little S&M with both a male and female colleague. Mrs X was utterly oblivious and found that her husband of some 17 years had been having a 5 year affair with a co-worker/s and or any combination there of.

He could be often heard saying on the phone ‘How much he would be enjoying some Apple pie right now’ to his work colleagues. I’d love a slice of Apple pie, or how he just loves Apple pie. Our devoted, totally unaware, Mrs X made a point buying Bramleys and making endless pies or indeed buying his favorite dessert (bizarrely from M&S) unfaltering in her continuance of marital entente cordiale. The relevance, (if you hadn’t already worked it out) being that Mr. X friends would call using the code: Apple pie = dalliance.

I will share two recipes with you.

Staring with hers and then one of mine, the order is important!

To a square sheet of pastry. Add thinly sliced apple, brown sugar and cinnamon and then place HIS Apple iPhone having backed it up to HER computer before hand, sim card then removed.  Cover in more apple and fold three corners to make a a pointy envelope. Bake in a hot oven and hope that the phone doesn’t explode.  Allow to cool slightly before serving on a doily, with a cocktail umbrella for decoration. Place the plate on top of a brown envelope strategically over the words Divorce Papers please sign, so as not to spoil the surprise. I think its fair to say it eventually gave everyone pleasure and closure.

My apple recipe for today started from an apple core thrown by my late Mother into a bank of our front garden about 10-12 years ago. It grew, albeit at a jaunty angle, over a huge wasp nest yet fruits irrespectively and is, to me, a wonderful aide-mémoire. No 1. Picture an 18 stone man in shorts and Wellington boots exerting and wailing at the top of his voice. Having had to abandon his favorite petrol strimmer.  His recently replaced knee enabling him a form of running with a battery of cartoon wasps in hot pursuit = current wilderness and precious memory No 2.

Recipe. Hedgerow Pain Perdu ( Eggy Bread / French Toast )

Throw an apple core into the garden and wait for a decade for it to fruit or if you are time short use:

2-3 Brambly or Granny Smith apples, a tart rather than sweet apple is best for this.

The brambles foraged from 6’ away from the jaunty angled matriarchs apple tree.  Acquire these from your hedgerow, market or superstore.

A dash of maple syrup for depth of flavour or incase you too couldn’t be bothered to walk to the other side of a the kitchen to open a new bag of sugar.

Place chunky slices of peeled apple into a small amount of butter and sprinkle lightly with sugar and start to caramelize, once they begin to brown tumble in the washed brambles. (Please note – birds don’t wear knickers, wash the brambles).

Meanwhile in another pan dip slices of brioche or yesterdays bread, dipped into a melange of 2 eggs, a drop of milk, a spot of vanilla, a tablespoon or so of golden caster sugar, whip together during the time it takes for a dessert spoon of butter to melt and be swirled around a small fry pan.

Add a small amount of the maple syrup to the bubbly apples and brambles swirl to combine and remove from the heat.

Finish the pain perdu and place in a serving plate . Pour over the sweet, glossy, mapley apples and berries, ensuring that you purloin every last drip of goup from the pan, schmooze it all over the french toast, pain perdu, eggy bread as you prefer.  Dredge with icing sugar, unless you are diabetic!

Sit at table with coffee, a wry smile, gloat inwardly and devour the lot.

x